I have spent much time on my knees, and have incidentally done much soul-searching. There are elements of my cognitive and emotional life that remain in need of a make-over, but how far I have come compared with where I have been is nothing short of astounding. Standing in the aftermath of several severe traumas has left me emotionally and psychologically crippled; not to mention, compounded the struggle to maintain sobriety. It has been a long and strenuous journey, wherein my obstinacy has all but guaranteed that I would be travelling much of the road kicking and screaming. Nevertheless, I continue to press on. The credit for this ensuing accomplishment belongs to God, but I also know that I would not have had the wherewithal to pursue the endeavor had I not had the continual support of family and trusted therapists. The purpose of saying all of this is twofold: self-affirmation, and a heartfelt gratitude for those-supernal or otherwise-- who loved me enough to stand by me despite the ugliness of my behavior, and the residual pain from past wrongdoing. This also serves as a declaration to those I have influenced that I am building a steadfast foundation-- faith in my Father above and confidence in myself-- that will ultimately prevail.
When it comes to building personal relationships, my aforementioned traumas have stunted and abated much of the progress I had hoped to make. However, I know that if I continue to tread along the path that leads to healing, I will gain the strength of character required to “make it work.” All I seem to be lacking is the relationship…and a wrecking ball to break down the walls I have erected. I have been through many horrible relationships, and have had the heart I wore on my sleeve ripped off and stomped on. I have also endured emotional and physical abuse. These events only provided me with more bricks with which to keep building that wall. I have slowly come to realize the painful irony circumscribing this edifice: the isolation protects me from pain, but also inflicts me with a new pain: an intense longing for a relationship that would go unsatisfied –thanks again to that darn wall. Nevertheless, I have picked up many valuable lessons from all of the above. The pivotal lesson I have learned is that who I am within, at the very center of my being, can never be taken away from me; it was fashioned after the likeness of God, and made unique by those same Hands. What I do, or have done, will not change this divinely imbued identity. The light I have inside is the very light of God, and can never be fully extinguished, although the struggles of this world may at times temporarily shroud it. My past serves as a testimony to the fragility of life and its relationships. For this reason, being grounded in faith, and learning to love myself is of the utmost importance; the foundation from which is used to build the rest. It is still hard work to maintain, since I am an imperfect vessel; and with all that I have been through in my life, the “yellow caution flag” still flies. All of the resulting pain, though, is notwithstanding, as the wisdom that comes from having endured it is invaluable. My hope and prayer henceforth is that my sharing this will fan the flame of hope in others who are reeling amidst similar struggles.
I will end this with a quote from of the greatest litterateurs, Victor Hugo: “To love another person is to see the face of God.” ~Les Miserables
*Jessica is a 32 year-old IT professional. Her testimony is published by her permission. Please leave your comments for her below.
Transformational Publishing is a division of Grace and Truth Relationship Education, Jeff and Jill Williams, Springfield, Ohio 2011.
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